One thing that I have developed a huge desire for over the past few months which I never had, I guess, is to turn back time. Whenever I say it in my head, it just feels like the only answer to it is to smack some senses into my head. But its pretty ironic since I still ask myself this regardless, like its somehow gonna come true.
I don't even know will I be able to organise this blogpost in order, because my mind really is all over the place. There's this monster in my head, and I don't know what it wants. Or rather, I can't give it what it wants, as much as I want it myself. My life is a daily, constant battle with this monster, convincing myself I am fine, but in utter reality I am not. This monster wins, and we both know that.
Why don't I lose my fight, you ask? Really, I don't know too. Maybe I'm still holding on for loved ones. Maybe I'm still struggling for every last breath because I tell myself this is only temporary. But as days pass my vision of things just turn more and more obscured, I am no longer the girl who knows what she wants, strives for the best. That happy, cheerful, girl that still to this very day haunts my mind.
Am I just making it a bigger deal than it actually is? I don't know. Should I be the one who is changing or should it be the environment, the people around me? Again, I don't know. I'm not in any time constraints, but I am so sick of living like this. I don't see the point, I don't know what's left for me to go after anymore. Who am I doing this for? Working, eating, sharing, living - who?
Some mistakes you make, simply can't be turned back. Thats a fact, just like the saying that goes "You can't turn porridge into rice." Sometimes, these are the costliest mistakes of your life, and you can only look back at them as lessons learnt, but what if you can't persevere? I've always thought of myself as a lil tough cookie - nothing ever got to me and I was very, very happy-going. I am so lucky to be able to say that I have faced problems that would be considered minis-cure in the grand scheme of things. God has truly blessed me with a life of abundance, and no matter how this ends I will always be grateful that I have lived a life more than I could have asked for.
Perhaps all good things come to an end. As much as I have had my ups, they always doom in downs. It almost seems inevitable. I don't mind that - I need the downs so that I can love my ups more. But what if I am constantly stuck in this "down"? It feels like my mind is the sea, and this same monster is drowning me from below, and I really can't hold much longer. My mind is the sea, and I'm drowning.
Rock bottom - I think I've hit it. No doubt further in life there will be a point where I will sink deeper, but for now I truly believe that this is my version of rock bottom. And I just despise the fact that I thought I would handle it better. I truly believed in myself that I can do it, and no obstacles can overcome me. Why have I turned out to be like this?
The thing that never stops tingling my heart whenever I look back upon, is the fact that this "good thing" didn't come to end because time was up, or it had to happen. I, basically, ended it. And this is something that I have gone all sorts of ballistic over. I don't know why I did it, I was so stupid, so naive, so innocent. I just wished, oh for the love of the highest, that I was a bit wiser, a bit smarter, and of all, a bit calmer.
Please, do not make decisions when you're at your most vulnerable, I'll tell you that, and I've learnt it the hard way. Live and let live, go with the flow. Remember, some mistakes come with a hefty price tag, and you shouldn't don't buy them.
0 comments